Melancholy

Depression is a mental disorder caused by persistent sad ness in it’s build comes along loss of activitises. I view depression as an imbalance in thinking. Irrational thoughts, it’s this warming darkness that envelops you and you actually feel more comfortable in that darkness with hate building up inside of you at almost everything. You shut down, your mind speaks louder than your voice, your joy seizes, it’s just emptiness you filled with. You get violent, speak harshly. Say things you would regret in future because you never really meant it, you hurt those around you. You start to lose focus. 

I experienced depression around the time I lost my father, the world just went quite, i was quite for a few days till I broke into a tearfall, but that wasn’t the end. I just changed, it wasn’t conscious it just sort of happened. The hate emitting from me directed at God, at my family, at myself, I don’t even know where the stupid thought that I killed my father rose from, because he died in a hospital. My laughter was always forced, even if my smile was genuine I didn’t feel that warmth that complements a smile, I was just like a cardboard with life. I started hiding my face with my hair, by looking down, started getting into fights, the way the darkness befriends you is so baffling. You become like a Vampire, I hated the light in my eyes, maybe that’s why I have problem with light till now, it burns my eyes. Probably the living in the dark, refusing to go outside unless necessary is the cause. At a point I stopped using my voice, i let my brain take over, I let it beat me up, I slept to console myself day and night to avoid the voices, even sleeping wasn’t really a cure. My mum tried to keep me outside, my sister would come to me cry and cuddle but I always just ever had a blank expression and never returned the comfort, i was weeping inside, broken. I didn’t go through any therapy or take any anti-depressant pills, it shoved me hard, I took a knife and tried to take my own life all I had wanted was to see my father again and be with him and it just devoured my entire mind, maybe I’m lucky my sister walked in the time she did, I threw the knife under the couch, I couldn’t believe what I had almost done, I hugged my sister and just sat there and wept and she followed suit, I just wept and wept till I had no more tears left in me, it was so sudden, unexpected. My sister consoles me and wiped my tears. We laughed and I felt lighter. 
Disbelief about what I almost did, I tried to stay out of darkness, started participating in activities, anything to stay busy than idle, the Voldemort in my head was always waiting for me when I get less busy. It’s pretty hard to control or ignore. Overtime I think I healed myself, I don’t know probably if I was handed antidepressants today it would take a toll on me. 

Now a friend of mine decided to share her story. She said to me that she wants to let it out and I had a go at her. 

She said « Was almost molested... The only it felt like God just hated me

I was disgusted by my own reflection in the mirror

Then self hatred kicked in. »

I asked her « Why did you feel self hatred? Did you find yourself at fault? » 

She replied me saying, « Yes! For reaching puberty early and attracting guys,Not early but for reaching puberty at all and growing breasts and hips. » 

I asked her, « This person that wanted to molest you, what did you do about him? » 

She said, « Never saw the bastard again...My agric teacher. » 

She was in Primary 5 at that time, Seven years of age, fast education, early development of woman features. 

I asked her, « Why didn’t you report him? » 

She said, « He brain washed me

That's the painful part. I was 7 years old. My mum noticed I had changed but I didn't say anything. » 

Then she added, « In secondary school I was stubborn 

Long story short a year after secondary school I told my mum what happened then she took me for therapy and they bombarded me with anti depressants » 

I asked her, « What were the changes in your behavior?»

« I hated light I don't know why sha

My room was always dark

Stopped letting friends visit

Avoided my uncles that I used to love 

Burnt my uniform 

Stopped feeling any kind of remorse. » She had told me. 

So I asked, « Was the therapist good? When you were telling your mother what was running through your mind? » 

« I had 4 therapists. 

Frustrated the first 3, so they referred me to other doctors.

Till I met the CEO of the hospital herself she was patient for almost 3 weeks till I finally started talking. She would buy food and we would eat and gist a lot. When I was telling my mother, I was worried that she would start crying and blame herself. » 

She isn’t at fault as a young girl because this man always saw her in her Uniform! He was just perverted. 

To everyone out there thinking women encourage men to perform such acts, to be so vile, hope you see in a new light that some men, mostly this sex offenders are rotten minded and no female is at fault for dressing how she pleases. Everyone is comfortable in a certain way. 

An innocent maturing young girl was almost stripped of her purity because she had fast growth. Is it her fault, nature was blooming her? Is it her fault God molded her perfect? 

Exfoliate such thoughts that women encourage men to be so ignorant and wicked! It’s not our fault that their male Genitals plays a more dominant role in their life than the brain. It’s nobody’s fault they are slimy reptilian Humanoids.