Why?

 Hello, my loves. 

I’ve been at a loss of words for quite sometime

now. Not because I don’t know what to say but because I couldn’t tell where to start from or whether or not to share these very intimate feelings. 

I came to a decision that I would, because I started this, to share my raw unfiltered thoughts. To keep my demons at bay and to connect on a level with my readers. 

So, I’ve been thinking, ‘Why?’ over a couple of things. 

I have felt so many things for so many years, I now feel nothing. Everything feels and looks dead to me, I’m just existing watching as time passes. I look for excitement like it is diamond in the dirt. No amount of money I get or money I blow can permanently suppress the feeling. So I ask myself why? 

I’m withdrawn because from a very young age, I was forced to learn that the people or things  you love leave you or ruin you. I may or may not have subconsciously taught myself never to get too attached to anyone. Even my mother gets upset I don’t text often or call. It’s not that I do not want to, because I do love her and terribly miss her, but I don’t have whatever that takes in me. 

The heart is wild… very wild. You have to tame it but sometimes the beast rebels. Despite my being careful, I still fail. When people pry and want to know certain things and I say, “I just don’t like people  unless I do.” I mean it. To me, everyone else is just like a prop and I’m surfing through this simulation called Life. 

The worst thing you can ever feel is being terribly sad but the tears don’t drop and probably won’t until more and more things occur then you burst. There is loneliness and there’s loneliness you have no idea exists. 

I have accepted that I am lonely and probably would be forever, because I would never really understand it. No matter how many people I am surrounded by, no matter how many laughs I laugh or smile I flash. There is nothing that can permanently shut down the feeling of emptiness. No matter the accomplishments I make, it would not fill this void, this very deep void in me that opened up and continues to loom. That pushes me to the verge of madness and hostility like a deranged animal when all of my emotions are shut off. 

Like a raging beast, frothing at the mouth, seeing red, wanting nothing but to terminate any other creature that moves in its path. 

Maybe the time for something that holds meaning hasn’t come yet, after all it’s the power of reality above all. With intentions I would tear down every bit of myself over and over again for as long as I have to just go rebuild over and over again. 

This is setting aside those who have hurt me in ways unimaginable when I purely gave my heart, love and friendship, when I choose to be my real self. Those who think they can walk all over me, those who think they can mock me, judge me, hurt me, break me, then try to play it off as cool, try to move on. Serpent possessed souls who I now overlook, never to forgive and never to forgot for as long as the dark hole within me is open. 

Why? Simple, because I am a person with feelings who acts on her feelings. 

It takes a lot to love someone whole heartedly, to the point that they become what you look forward to in a day, every day, every month. Then that someone tears you down, exposing you to a harsh reality. 

To make a decision to trust someone…then that trust, that loyalty given out so purely is used to make a fool of you. I ask again, why? One thing about me is, once I love you, I would always love you but everything else is lost.

I have so many questions starting with ‘why’ and no answer. So I learn everyday how to be strong, alone until I find out WHY?