A Letter to my Lover

 

So the thing is, I’m scared of my feelings for you, it’s a bit overwhelming, it’s like being addicted to a drug. I don’t feel secure and I feel like in the long run I’m going to get hurt real bad because of these feelings.

I’ve been in love before yeah but it was nothing like this and i know how much that hurt me, my feelings for you are more intense and maybe that’s because I got more intimate and I don’t want to get in too deep then get disposed or something. I love myself way too much to put myself intentionally in a dangerous zone. 

I don’t know how you feel about me honestly, you’ve never really made it known, you say you  love my vibe, you say you want me, wanting someone isn’t exactly enough. I don’t know what this is, I don’t understand what this is, but I know it’s a blind path we are following because of our selfish interests. I don’t know how this can work out. 

We make plans what we want to do together, I love the thought of those things, I want to see them happen then I think how would I feel appreciated or make this man feel appreciated or something if I can’t even upload us or you. I don’t want to feel like a secret and I don’t want to be in anything secretive. I want to feel special, I want to feel free. I don’t want to have to worry. I don’t want to look a fool. I don’t want to feel less of how I see myself. 

I want something serious for myself, I want to feel loved, I want to feel important to someone, I want to receive the same kind of energy I put out, with you I would want to do something or say something but I would feel like, maybe I’m doing too much or I would wonder how stupid I would come off or if you’re just behind your phone laughing at me. I don’t want to have to feel that way. I don’t want to be in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way and definitely not in love with someone who is in love with someone else. I feel so stupid, because I don’t know how I let it evolve and you have clear signs. 

You’ve not disrespected me in anyway and you’re really sweet and I really fuck with you, honestly, I feel safe with you but I’m not secure. You may say I’m not a side piece but in reality that’s what I am and I’m getting sucked into this fantasy, there are people who would give me the treatment I want, make me feel how I want to feel and I’m literally just settling for less. 

My feelings seem invalidated and it’s more to your privilege. 

How would you feel if I had a man and you are this other guy I have a thing with and I’m keeping you in one corner while shoving my actual man in your face when that’s something you deeply desire someone to do to you one day? 

 

I feel really stupid and it’s making me feel so small and I don’t like being small and it’s just pushing me in different directions because I have to battle myself. You make me happy, you make me feel at peace, you make me feel normal and not weird or out of place, you make me how a woman should and up till now, I never really knew how a woman should feel. You made me know what I want but at the same time you’ve made me insecure and you’ve hurt me. Loving you has brought all waves of emotion but now I just feel ‘less’ 

I know it’s not your intention, you don’t seem like that kind of guy to me. 

I don’t want to let you go but at the same time I need space because I’m getting too attached for someone with such little space in your life. 

I’m getting too attached and it scares me and it makes me angry and I don’t know how this happened.

I want something real, I don’t want a fantasy. I want someone to love me back the same way I love them. I’ve never had that and I want that, I really want that. 

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