Ambiance

 This is really how life works uhn? 

Just like that… the man I loved so dearly, so uniquely, and for the first time. He just took an exit from my life, just like that.  

All the memories, they’re still there, I cherish them for it was only with him, I felt so good. 

So at peace… I felt genuinely happy and understood, glad that finally someone could see me, hear me, understand me and love me. It was never perfect not even a little bit but I didn’t mind the imperfections because of the aura I got. It was the kind I got nowhere else. It was like a familiar feeling that I only felt when I was with him. It was this warmth that I felt. He felt like home to me, he felt better than where I had grown and gotten used to calling home. 

Oh… not to get started on his scent. He was my best friend first before anything else and I tried my best not to ruin that but how could I not when I got mixed signals from him and mixed information? Today what we have is real and we would be together forever, tomorrow we are best of friends forever, just friends. 

Yet every time I trail away, he draws me back. He knew the ways to work me. Ways no one else knows, he knew all of my buttons, as he studied me, he always knew how to set my mood straight. I could have the worst day and a word from him would put it right. Smile, I wanted him to keep it forever. I loved him so much, my heart is heavy. I love him still, in many ways than one, he woke up something in me, a light. A sort of peace. 

It broke my heart to have to walk away for my good after learning all that I learned. I could have opted to be friends but I am not strong enough to stay friends and put my entire system in jeopardy. I didn’t want to relapse into overthinking and worrying.  

I wondered for a long time if he loved me or if it was a deceit.  But to be fair, he did tell me, he loved me but he couldn’t be with me that way because he wasn’t ready and he didn’t want to hurt me. I guess I never really understood. He always said things like that but his actions spoke differently. Don’t let me get started on the jealousy or emotional talks. 

I felt stupid when I found out the dark things about him, I never thought of him as that kind of person. I never saw him in that light, I was shocked beyond words and I argued that it couldn’t be him. I wanted to defend his name but there the proof was in front of me and although he and I were no longer together, my heart crushed. 

I wanted to wreck things and scream, I was filled with rage. I went to vent to my friends and I felt a little better after, I heard him lie and twist the truth them over the phone and I requested to speak but they didn’t let me. They said he wouldn’t say what he was saying if he knew I could hear. I shook my head so badly, I didn’t want him to be that person. 

I let him go completely without as much as an explanation on his end, what else would he do if not lie… he had done it to me for years now after all. 

It was so fucking hard, it was like a heroin addict going through withdrawal. The process was so hard for me but I had to be strong always reminding myself that he wasn’t who I thought he was. I said this to myself always but I always thought back to how the world with him in it made my life warmer and brighter. He was everything to me and losing him made me feel like I lost everything. He always said I was his favorite person, but he had friends and parties and everything else to always turn back to. He was my favorite person and the only person I confided in, left my house to see, looked forward to seeing and talking to, he was my only person, and he made my heart beat. He made me feel. Without him, I felt so lost and numb, I couldn’t cry for weeks, and I couldn’t wrap my head around it for weeks. Finally one day, in public, I broke down and cried, the same day I sprained my wrist. 

Up till this moment when I have any news to share, he crosses my mind to share it with, so he can be my cheerleader, life coach, or therapist as usual. Then I remember he is no longer in the picture and I let whatever I had to share die. It was so easy with him. 

I want to reach out to him sometimes and ask if he did love me if I was part of his game if I was his favorite person. We had the most fun in his bedroom in each other’s presence and I’m not talking about sex. My favorite memories are within his walls. Silly jokes, make-do concerts, banter, eating out, gists, everything I did with him was special to me because I hadn’t had that kind of relationship with anyone else. That fondness… 

I spoke so highly of him, defended him… 

I’ve tried to hate him, but I can’t. I’m still furious about the whole situation, but I can’t help but love him.  

The ambiance with him was in tune with my heartbeat. He was my one and only. He made me feel complete. 

I don’t want a romantic relationship with him, no. I’m too scared of him now to even think of that. I just want my best friend back. 

He’ll never know this because I’ll never say it to him, not anymore. Gone are the days of folding and licking my wounds. 

Besides, I didn’t just back away silently, I did the things I knew he would hate to him. I threw his privacy in the bin and that would have gotten him so Fucking pissed, I’m sure of it. I was proud of my actions, and I still am. He deserved it and worse. I let him off easy because deep down, even with all the rage and the idea basket of revenge, I couldn’t bring myself to hurt him. I just wanted him to know I knew and I was pissed. I thought I wanted to hurt him but times the opportunity presented itself and I was cajoled, I refused. 

Truth be told, I don’t know how to move on from this… I don’t know how to trust someone else, I don’t know how to love someone else. I can’t find that same connection I instantaneously had with him and that fucking hurts.  I can’t just say, “oh fuck it and fuck him!” Because he was my oxygen. 

Even if in another dimension things had gone differently and we were still friends, things would be different. I wouldn’t be able to look at him the same.  He put me at a risk and I despise him for that. I despise him for lying to me over and over. If I was his favorite person why couldn’t he just open up to me, really protect me? 

To the man, I loved before and love still,  

I forgive you and I pray you to move on to live a better life, a cleaner life. The things I heard about you, that is no way to live and I’m scared for you and scared of you. 

I kind of miss you, besides that ridiculousness and toxicity, you’re a gem, a rare kind and I pray it’s not too late before you figure all of your shit out and live well. 

Good luck with your future endeavors. I hope we never meet again.

With love,

Purple Rain Bunny