How Do I Grow?

Hey Royals, 

When we’re little, all we want to do is grow up. So, we can party like the adults, get more portions of meat, spend money on whatever it is we like, love and get married.

 Live like a fairytale.

What no one tells you is how exactly how tough it would get. Yes, we get told, “when you’re older, you’ll understand.” 

We felt like, it was an exaggeration.

 Now that I’m older, I can tell you, it’s no exaggeration, in fact, that statement does no justice to what you face in adulthood.  

Make money to spend money, got a whole new meaning. I can’t save up and forget the savings, because there’s always something to purchase, there’s always transportation to catch, bills to pay. 

It may seems like you’re not doing enough when you wind up broke, feeling complete resentment for yourself, beating yourself up, wallowing in self pity. Wondering how you can escape from your sad reality. You need an escape, something to numb the pain. 

Anything could be your remedy, it could be; drugs, smoking, love, sex, self-harm, tattoos, piercings, partying, drinking, cooking, reading, working extra hard.  

This remedies might work for you till they fail you and then you have to start over and try to do it right.  

How much time do I have before I can sit back and enjoy my money, how long is this going to take?

 I’m too high or too drunk to function properly. I can barely see what is in front of me, I’m tripping. How long is it going to take before I reach my goal? If I stop this, how would I shut down the voices in my head, mocking me, pressuring me into insanity? How? 

This love that I distract myself from the horror of the world with, this love that shields me, this love that makes me feel so happy and important. This love that assures me and encourages me in my endeavors, this love that I’ve grown used to… used to the voice, the words, the laugh, the smile, the smell. This love that I long to come back to after a long day, what happens when this love starts to fade? What happens when the love fades. What happens when I no longer have someone to make me forget my harsh reality. What happens when there’s no longer a place to escape to. 

You want to fuck? Fuck away your pain and sorrows? Have sex and just dump your thoughts for a moment? That’s fine, honestly it is. It’s a stress reliever, I know.  But, what happens when it becomes repetitive and boring for you?  What happens when you or your partner make a mistake and you wind up with a child or a sexually transmitted disease. What happens when, you’re done having sex and you have to go back to thinking about how to get your rack up? 

Tattoos and piercings, yes they excite you, they make you feel something, they relieve you, they give you a sense of identity, they decorate your skin, you’re happy and you’re proud. But how do you keep up such lifestyle if you don’t have more funds to draw more. They don’t come cheap after all. If you don’t have a job, when you’re seeking one, what’s the guarantee you’ll secure the job based on the type of company or interviewer. They won’t see you and see a human being, rather a rascal. Okay, let’s assume you get the job, anything negative and all fingers would point to you. You’re the black sheep amidst the white flock. It’s not something every company does, some are inclusive and open minded. But with bills to pay, dreams to reach, how much more tattoos and piercings can you get?  

I could go on and on but I’m feeling rather lazy today.  

I wish I could give you an answer but I can’t, because even I am still figuring out how to grow. 

How to grow to become a bigger person, a better person, a financially flamboyant person. Once I’ve got it figured out, I’ll hit you up.  

I remain your favorite, 

Purple Rain Bunny. ❤️‍🔥