To Hell with Her!

 What’s Toxic? Toxic means something that is very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way. 

Sometimes dealing with our parents does more harm to us that we know. It’s draining and overwhelming and it’s not a one time thing or a two times thing. It’s a continuous thing in almost every interaction with them. Perhaps you didn’t really mind it when you were younger because you didn’t know that was what was going on but as we age, we morph into our person. It begins to dawn that you’re living imprisoned, with mentally, socially, or physically.  

The things some of our parents say to us are things that shouldn’t be said to people because of the weigh they carry. They say these things and get away with it, because what can you do? They’re the older adult and you’re their offspring. It’s not a parent-child relationship, it’s a Master-slave relationship. 

‘Yes sir’, ‘Yes ma’,  through out your life.  

Why is it that after almost ever conversation I’m left feeling confused about what I’ve done or said. Why am I feeling bad about my life choices that bring me peace and some sort of joy? Why am I feeling like I’m not doing enough when I’m clearly doing my best? Why am I getting compared and why are the words resounding?! Why am I being judged because I’m different, because I refuse to be a watered down version of myself?! One day, I woke up and I said, now, I’m living for me! I want to be happier, I want to glow, I want to be at peace with myself. Why should I feel bad about that, because you don’t like it?! Why should I feel guilty, because I refuse to dance to your tune, a tune that would only bring me pain and suffering?! Why do I have to explain myself every time to deaf ears?! It’s excruciatingly infuriating! Why is it that I feel exhausted, I feel rage, when I’m trying to communicate with you, explain to you why i’m this way and not the way you want?! The best response every time is threats, manip, gaslighting! Give it a rest! I give the most respect but the moment I stand for myself and say, ‘No!’ The moment I do the thing that I want or speak my piece then it’s disrespect! I’m a vagabond, the most disrespectful child. How utterly disgusting! Was I not born with a brain that  functions, a personality that speaks for itself, a soul with no attachments?! Why do I have to be a clone or perhaps be a doll that can be made into anything? I refuse to change what I do for fun, the friends I make, how I keep myself happy, the things I say, the work I do. I refuse! I refuse to change any goddamn thing about myself because that is my identity ! I am not you! You are not me ! You lived your life as you pleased and if you did not, if you were shaped by your parents then I’m sorry about that! You have a lot to learn and unlearn, life has moved past that. I would live my life as I please, I’ll learn from my mistakes and I’ll be better at being myself. If I have yo fi that all on my own, then do be it! 

Like damn… every single time a conversation doesn’t roll your way, one I’m not a cheerleading dunce, a nodding along and clapping to everything, then it’s ‘disown’, ‘cut allowance’, ‘forward to everyone’, this-that. Do it! Do your worst, it’ll only make me stronger, I’ll learn to fully stand on my own. If I perish, I perish, if I excel, I excel. How can you be a parent and say those things continuously so loosely? Because you didn’t succeed in gaslighting and manipulating your child ? 

I’m the black sheep but I run the most errands, no cheating whatsoever. I’m the one watching the words I utter while the other says whatsoever and you reach out to the other first. I’m the black sheep when I have to apologize even when I’m not wrong?! If I’m the black sheep now on my best behavior then I’m about to be even blacker and if that means that you would hate me. Then so be it! 

“Wear a bra!” “Don’t skate!” “You’re dressing like those people.” “Your breast is falling.” “Make your hair.” “You’re too ride.” “Your dog is too big, sell it.” “You’re a stupid girl.” “You’re disrespectful.” “You’re going there again?” “If you have an incident don’t call me.” “I’ll tell everyone to cut you off.” “I’m the one saving you!” “You didn’t pick my call.”  This-That! 

Give it a rest! Leave me alone! It’s like a broken record and there’s still more to it. Let me breathe, others do worse things than me. What is my crime exactly besides unapologetically being myself and refusing to be anything else. 

Most if the times I don’t know how one conversation jumps into another! You have a problem with almost everything I do which isn’t even a lot. So what?! I should just stop existing? If you wanted a vegetable for a child you should have planted a garden! 

I need my space from you and I try to take it and you never give it. I start to feel relaxed after I’ve gotten my piece out and I know you’re pissed and would leave me for a day or two. Then there you  come again waltzing into my dm go start up some shit and I’m forced to apologize just to let peace reign. 

Few days ago, we were all catching fun on the group chat and planning and you came from nowhere telling me what to wear and what not, how to look and what not. It was do much to the point everyone else had to exclaim and ask what the problem was with me! 

But I’m delusional when I tell you that you constantly attack me with the things that you say?! 

Do you not see you’re the problem with the things you say?! 

How can you call yourself my mother?! You’re probably right, you should disown me! 

I’m not trying to please you anymore, I’m not trying to be ‘good’. You’re a user and nothing I do can ever have you satisfied. I’m putting my wall back up because you can never change. 

Even the little things I share with you, the things I say yo you to confide in you. You tell to the others and make mockery of me. I hear it and I ignore it. You tell them not to say not knowing I’m within earshot. ‘A mother’. 

I say something to you in confidence when I’m feeling burdened and in future, you jeer at me with those words. You weaponize them against me. ‘A mother’. 

I won’t argue anymore. I don’t try to explain anything anymore. Do your worse, I beg of you. I’m done! I’m sick and tired and I’m done. Thanks fir bringing me yo the world, at the end of it all, you might end up taking me out of it. 

It’s a love-hate relationship I have with you and lately the hate has been eating up the love. I need some space, do not try to contact me. 

Ps: Stop playing the guilt game with your death. I can do that too because every single moment you make me feel less of a person, I want to stab myself in the heart and bleed out. I want to overdose on sleeping pills and just finally rest. 

We both know you’re not dying anytime soon but I might. I’m done with your shit and with you hovering over my life. I’m more than ready to give it up.