Lost Identity

How am I feeling today? I don't know. If I'm being honest I think I've stopped feeling anything for a while now. I just wake, work, remember to eat, work, sleep. The cycle goes on like a broken record. I start to wonder, is this what I have become? One of those 'robots' I absolutely do not admire in suit and tie. when was the last time I did anything that fed my soul, that mended my mind? When was the last time I made something beautiful out of nothing and bask in my golden light feeling extremely proud of myself. Almost in disbelief that I had created that myself, such a sweet melody, such deep words. 

It seemed like I had awoken from a trance, I had almost lost myself but my subconscious mind ever faithful and dutiful reeled me back in and then I felt. 

A sudden wave of panic flushed over me, yes that's right... flushed. I was drenched from every angle, loudly and aggressively. I was filled with fear. 

Had I lost my way? Had I lost the fabric of my being? Why do I feel empty? Why do I feel different? Bland and uninviting, no spark whatsoever. Where did all my fire go? How deep had I buried my true self? 

My heart raced, my mind searched, layers and layers, I unearthed. I tried to write but drew a blank , I tried to rap, but heard no sound. I listened to beats but  I got no rhythm, no flow. 

I crashed in my bed. I've lost it! I've lost it all! 

My mind torn in two, like ying and yang. One side struggling to find it's way out as the true identity, the other trying to stay in the drive to survive and take as the new identity. 

The mockery of my mind, it taunted, "Oh you fool, how did you think such large personalities could co-exist?" 

I shook my head, this couldn't be it for me. 

I blocked the world out on a silent night, opened my notes on my phone and stared at the blank screen. 

"Think of something, anything." I urged myself, refusing to give up the thing that made me me, my superpower. 

I wrote down random words and deleted, twice I did this but they seemed to be identical. 

I shut my eyes, let out a deep breathe and I wrote and I wrote. First verse, second verse, third verse. I opened a new page, and I fired on. I wrote three songs that night and they were so good. 

The next night, I opened a novel I'd been working on and completed the chapter.

I shook my head that I'd clowned myself. How could I lose something that was never lost? 

I laughed out loud like a basket case, I am art. 

For a moment, I almost forgot my identity.