The Deep End

I’m not quite sure how I get triggered. How I switch without meaning to. 

I hate a lot of things not ‘dislike’ but ‘hate’! I’m probably not mentally healthy but when certain things happen, I see it as a pattern and I just wonder... Why me? Why give any time of the day to these bloody humans?! 

Liars cheat, insufferable nincompoops, I come across them ever so often, be it male, be it female. It’s quite repulsive. 

Which has kind of led me to question my taste in people. How is it that of all the wonderful people in the world, I pick the worst lot? 

Sitting and chilling, all of that can't suffice because we’re cut from different materials. 

All my life I found solace in solitary as I grew I sought companionship because I was dying. I was dying but I couldn't tell anyone. 

I wasn't sick or anything, but the voices in my head had gotten so loud, tearing me apart, I was falling into an endless void in my head in a loop and I didn't have a voice. Night after night, only my pillow knew my secrets and I tried to fit into society again by day. 

At some point, I finally found a connection but it turned out short-lived. Like always, I had my reality check. Happiness just isn't for me. Perhaps, I’m cursed? It doesn't matter who I decide to befriend, I’m always the odd one out. I just don't fit in, sticking out like a sore thumb. 

Try to escape by finding someone new to crush on, talk dirty to, and call it a night. 

Like desperation, an itch to just escape, to just feel… feel warm, feel human… feel something to make me know that yeah, I am still participating in this world. That might seem cruel since I have no genuine feelings whatsoever for whoever but it's never my intention and I only come to my senses when I feel better. So I need to cut loose even if I have to be brutal about it. 

I have a lot of things I want to get off my mind and share, certain deaths, work, my music, legal threats, my silly dark jokes, my perspective of this world, this life… I want to talk about everything. 

Because I'm thinking of one too many things, I have an overload and crash, very much like a system. I'm reminded again of his lonely I am, how lonely I feel. 

It's upsetting because everyone has it all figured out socially, they mingle so easily and I don't mix well with this. 

I'm a walking loose canon. My trigger can be something as weightless as the breeze and it takes a toll on me wearing me out up until I find a new way to cope. 

Currently, I cope by binge-watching series on Netflix so I can ignore that I don't have much of a social life. I miss nobody and nobody misses me and no that's not alright because it hurts that it is that way. I don't want to be reminded constantly how many friends I don't have. 

People just ain't trustworthy and, to be frank I'm done trying.