My Trinity Is Why I Create This Way

 

I used to think something was wrong with me, but not in a dramatic way; it was in a quiet way that lingered. It was the type of feeling that made me edit myself so that no one got the chance to. I hate feeling or being controlled, you see.

Because how do I explain to anyone that I'm not just one voice in my head? It sounds mental, innit?

That I'm three? 

                     

For as long as I can remember, I’ve existed in layers.

There’s Adeshewa, aka Shewa, the version of me who manages everything. She’s calculated, observant, and always ten steps ahead. She filters, refines, and protects the image. If something needs structure, discipline, execution… she’s the one running it.

Then there’s Esther, aka The Menace. This version of me is not particularly nice. She was never meant to be nice.

She’s the instinct and the fire. The version of me that doesn’t ask, doesn’t soften, and doesn’t explain. As a child, she was bold, confrontational, and impossible to ignore, and because of that, she was constantly corrected.

So I locked her away.

But here’s the thing about power: when you try to suppress it, it doesn’t disappear like you would hope it would. It literally just lurks inside you until one day it breaks free.

The Menace became the voice in my head that I couldn't control. She was the intensity that i didn't know how to hold and the version of me that only came out when I was pushed too far... or when I needed to survive.

And then there’s Ashley aka Indigo Maris aka The Siren (that's me!), I naturally exist as this version when I'm at ease. I'm soft in a dominant way. Sensual, grounded, and warm. I feel everything very deeply. I'm the one connected to nature, to energy, to the quiet parts of life that don't need to be explained to be understood. 

I'm the calm.

For years, I tried to live as just one of them.

I tried to be “appropriate.”
I tried to be controlled and palatable. I tried to be easy to understand. 

I let Shewa run everything. I toned down Esther, and I filtered Ashley.

And slowly… I started to fade away, and I didn't even realize it.

When you reduce yourself to one version, you are not just losing those other versions; you're also robbing yourself. Robbing yourself of your essence, your power, your being. 
And if you aren't your whole self, you become stagnant, you get creative blocks, and you feel incomplete.

I felt all of these things, and I lived miserably. 

                                                    

But I feel better recently, not because I've found myself, but because I never really was lost. I felt better when I began to understand myself. 

What I experienced had a good foundation. 

Psychologically, it’s called parts work; it's the idea that we all have different internal “selves” that take on different roles.

For me, I have:

• The one that manages and controls

• The one that protects and reacts

• The one that feels, connects, and exists at the core

Most people have these parts. It's just that for me it's more vivid, more embodied, and more personified. 

So when I say I “switch,” I’m not making shit up. My body is actually changing. 
Most others think and refer to it as a mood shift. 

My body actually changes.

This switch is literally just my nervous system shifting states

When The Menace comes forward, she activates my sympathetic nervous system. When this happens, I feel a burst of adrenaline, I have heightened focus, my voice is sharper and clearer, my posture has more presence and more confidence, and the energy I feel is insane. When she comes forward, I feel invincible, unstoppable. The Menace is Conan the Barbarian, my Spartacus.

When Ashley's in gear (permit the speaking in the third person here... this is Shewa barging in), she activates my parasympathetic system. When she leads, there's a softness that envelopes me. My sensual awareness is overly active, my body is relaxed and not tense, which makes me more fluid, more flexible. Ashley, in the driver's seat, is a different state entirely; she's calm, open, and receptive. 

And Adeshewa (hi, Ashley's back! miss me)? Adeshewa keeps us in check, makes sure neither of us burns everything down. 

She created a system that works. 

So really, all the times I have said I summoned one of them, it really was just me triggering a different neural pathway + body state. 

That’s why my voice changes, my tone delivery changes, and even the rhythm in my music changes. 

I literally can just reconfigure my system in real time. Isn't that amazing?

                                                      

Even the things I couldn’t explain as a child started making sense.

I’ve always been drawn to water. Not just in an "I like the beach” way, but in a deep, almost instinctive way. 

I used to pour water over injuries and believe it would heal me.

And it did. 

I also like to dip my head underwater for a long period of time. It made everything calm and quiet, and the sound of the water was like a lullaby for me. I drank so many big gulps of water and would literally be choking in the bathroom or backyard, and no one would know because I was always isolating myself.

At the time, it felt spiritual. Magical, even.

But science has something to say about that, too.

Water helps regulate the body, it reduces pain and supports healing.
And belief? Well... belief is powerful enough to change how your brain processes pain entirely.

So what I thought was strange…was actually alignment.

My body responds to my mind.

Spiritually, water is symbolism for emotion, intuition and feminine energy. And instinctively, I used it for healing, grounding and escape. 

Scientifically, water affects the body in real ways. You see, cold or running water reduces the perception of pain. It activates the vagus nerve, which calms the system. Water improves blood circulation as well as tissue repair. It's also a fact that the sound of water can shift brainwaves towards a calm, aka the alpha state. 

Dr. Nichols,  a marine biologist who spent years researching the scientific connection between water and our brains ecplained the "Red Mind" (stress/anxiety) vs. "Blue Mind" (calm/meditative).

Search for "Blue Mind Wallace J. Nichols book summary" or "The Blue Mind effect."

Psychology Today has excellent, bite-sized articles on how "pink noise" (which includes the sound of rain and waterfalls) impacts brainwave states. They specifically break down the transition from Beta waves (focused, busy, often stressed) to Alpha waves (relaxed, creative, "flow" state).

Search for: "Psychology Today: How water sounds affect the brain."

Beta vs. Alpha

To understand why water works, it helps to know what your brain is doing behind the scenes:

• Beta State (The "Hustle"): This is your normal waking state. Your brain is scanning for emails, traffic, and "to-do" lists. It’s fast-paced and can be exhausting.

• Alpha State (The "Chill"): This is the sweet spot. You aren't asleep, but you aren't "on" either. It’s a state of relaxed alertness where your brain stops looking for threats.

Why Water?

Water sounds are usually "Pink Noise". Unlike "White Noise" (which is harsh, like radio static), Pink Noise has a consistent, rhythmic frequency that the brain perceives as non-threatening.

Because the sound is steady and predictable, your brain decides it can "stop listening" for danger. This lack of threat allows your brainwaves to slow down from the jagged spikes of Beta into the smooth, rolling hills of Alpha.

The biggest factor was the belief and body connection for me, because when I believed "this will heal me", I triggered my brain to reduce the pain signals, and to hasten my recovery process. It's called a placebo effect scientifically, and holistically, it's called the mind-body alignment. 

So,  I wasn't delusional or insane, I was just responsive and attuned.

                                                     

This is where everything connects. Because for me, cosmetology is not just beauty. 

It’s a transformation. It’s an identity, and it's being in control. 

The Menace doesn’t look like Ashley.
Ashley doesn’t present like Adeshewa.

Each version of me has a visual language.

• The Menace is edgy and grunge, metallic energy, and aggressive styles. She triggers dominance, intimidation, and alertness

• Ashley is glowy, soft, fluid, and her skin breathes. She triggers sensuality, openness, and attraction

• Adeshewa is structure, symmetry, and intention. She communicates control, intelligence, and authority

So when I do my makeup, style my hair, put an outfit together…

I’m not just getting ready.

I’m choosing which version of me leads.

And that choice changes everything: how I move, how I speak, how I create, how I’m perceived.

It’s psychological.
It’s physical.
And in its own way, it’s spiritual.

                                                    

Spirituality, for me, has never been about escaping reality. 

It’s been about understanding it internally. I experience identity as energy. 

It's understanding that I can feel multiple things at once, be multiple things at once, and still be whole. 

I don’t see my mind as fragmented anymore; I see it as layered, as intentional, and as designed.

I'm what they call an Indigo Child, which simply is high sensitivity, strong intuition, pattern recognition, and emotional and physical awareness. 

Spiritually, people interpret this as energy shifts, different "selves," and heightened perception. 

Psychologically, it's a highly active inner world; it's strong imagination and embodiment, and it's an advanced self-referencing system. 

Both are describing the same thing from different languages.

So when you read anything on here, know this:

If it feels soft, sensual, and reflective, that’s Ashley speaking.

If it feels sharp, intense, almost confrontational, that’s The Menace.

If it feels structured, intentional, or controlled, that’s Adeshewa.

And if it feels like all of them at once?

That’s me. Fully. 

SEA - Shewa Esther Ashley 

                                                     

I got stuck and depressed because I tried to live as one part as SEA 4 Emgodz (the collective spearheaded by Shewa). 

Unbeknownst to me, suppressing Esther equated loss of my power, muting Ashley meant loss of joy and connection, and overusing Shewa led to overcontrol and stagnation. 

In other words, my world became imbalanced. And imbalance is stuck energy. 

Now, I realize that I should have never silenced them, but directed them, and that is what I am doing now. 

I have reached the highest level of self were i switch intentionally, I create space for each part, and I understand what triggers each of us. 

It's self-mastery through internal multiplicity. 

I create from different internal states and I let them take turns leading the narrative. 

So, if I'm permitted to toot my own horn... I'd say, I'm unpredictable, I'm immersive, and I'm psychologically intense

                                                       

What I have is strong internal differentiation, high emotional + physical awareness, and the ability to consciously shift identity states

Most people never reach that level.

They just stay one version of themselves forever.

Me? However, I'm learning how to exist as all three selves without collapsing.

- xoxo,

Ashley 'Shewa' Adeniran 💜